Thursday, July 24, 2008

Classic First Born Child Syndrome

I worry.

I've always worried.

I think that I worried that I was going to suffocate around my own cord in the womb.

I probably also worried that I would get stuck on my way out.

You may think that I'm exaggerating, but I assure you my friends, I am not.

As a child, I would longingly look at stuffed toys and dolls placed carefully on the shelves in fancy stores. However, I could never bring myself to actually pick one up. Instead, I would ask my parents to take me to another store, where they sold the dolls and toys that no one wanted. I'd agonise over my final decision, trying to find the most pathetic looking doll to take home and to care for, because I knew that no one else would want them. Although I now know that these items lack feelings, emotions and/or thoughts, I couldn't stand the thought of leaving one unwanted toy with gnarled red yarn hair behind.

When I was 10, I cried every time I saw an older lady or gentleman eating alone at a restaurant. I was upset every time I saw a leaf fall from a tree, because I knew that although my ugly dolls may not feel, leafs were once a living thing.

My worries were irrational, but never overboard. After some time, I would forget about the dolls left behind and move on.

As I've aged, my worries no longer revolve around inanimate objects, but are instead powered by the need to please, the need to keep everyone happy and the need to be in control of myself and my surroundings.

I have classic first child guilt, regarding almost everything. I'm confident that many others are afflicted with this as well.

But I digress.

This weekend, my sister, boyfriend and I were going to drive to Virginia Beach to visit my brother and his girlfriend. He called on Monday and told me that if the weather was bad, that we should postpone our trip. I emailed everyone on Wednesday asking about the weather, and the plan for the weekend. My brother noted that his girlfriend had to work, his friends would be away, and that there was a chance for thunderstorms. I desperately wanted to reschedule this trip, but I felt so guilty about cancelling at the last minute.

Boyfriend has recently started a new job which would mean that we could not leave Maryland before 7pm. We had just returned home from the beach, and I was incredibly discouraged about spending another weekend in the car. Additionally, I just wanted to be home considering the fact that we have only two weeks left to move out of not one, but two apartments. Of course I waffled and hemmed and hawed when trying to make up my decision.

Finally, today, I emailed my brother and sister and requested that we postpone our trip until August, after my birthday and after we move.

Although I'm pleased with my decision, I'm feeling incredibly guilty about postponing the trip. Thoughts akin to, what is my brother going to do this weekend? Will my sister be upset? have invaded my head.

Like I said, it's classic first born guilt. I feel the need to make everything okay and to please everyone regardless of whether or not it pleases me. Recently, I've become much better at saying no in the workplace and in other areas, but I'm still weak in regards to my family.

My sister has no problem changing plans and does not appear to feel guilty, but I feel guilty regardless of the choice that I make. If I choose to go, I'll feel guilty about leaving boyfriend behind, leaving the cats again, and for leaving a long list of things that need to be accomplished before the move. If I don't go, I feel guilty about ruining my brother's weekend, cancelling so late in the week, and putting off what I could do today until another time.

I'm so scared that I'll upset someone, that I actually upset them more (unintentionally of course) with my inability to make a decision. My brother was more annoyed with my waffling than he was with the fact that we had to postpone the trip.

So now you know a little bit more about me, in addition to the fact that I'm a ditzy bitch. You may think I'm crazy, but luckily I'm a psychologist, and if there's one thing that I've learned, it is that crazy people never think that they are crazy.

I'm blessed to think that I'm crazy at least once a day.

13 comments:

A.D. said...

I'm a worrier too, but I worry more about things like floods, houses burning down, the kitties getting hurt...that sort of thing. I honestly just have to stop and remind myself that my worrying is not going to help anything and that if something happens, I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. This usually doesn't work, but I try to calm down as much as possible! I'm pretty sure I'm a certified nutso (that's a technical term...feel free to use it), but most of the people I know are crazy too so we get along well :)!!!

Lori said...

I'm so glad to hear that someone else used to cry about people sitting alone in restaurants. One time when I was about 10, I actually refused to sit with my family for dinner and sat with an elderly gentleman. He informed me that he actually enjoyed eating dinner alone in peace and quiet, and I was stunned. I still get a feeling of sadness when I see people sitting alone.

And... I'm a terrible worrier, a huge ball of stress, and so full of anxiety that husband often wants to punch me.

I know I'm crazy... does that mean I'm not?! you know.. crazies don't know they're crazy? Hm.

Ashley said...

Lori.. It's actually true.

People with serious psychological problems never *think* that they are crazy.

For example, that's why schizophrenics never realize that there is something wrong with them and go off their meds so frequently.

Additionally, people with personality disorders don't know it either.

That has stuck with me throughout graduate school. =]

We're certainly neurotic, but not certifiably crazy.

Lori said...

Such a relief!

JKW said...

LOL...I love the comment that people who are crazy never think they are crazy...boy is that true! I learned that in graduate school too;) You describe the first child syndrome so well...and unfortunately I am one too:)

Lin Shijun said...

shijun 6.29
kevin durant shoes 2015
michael kors watches
coach factory outlet
fitflop
michael kors
abercrombie outlet
hermes belts
michael kors uk
christian louboutin shoes
christian louboutin shoes
louis vuitton outlet
fake oakleys
christian louboutin shoes
jordan retro 8
coach outlet store online
kobe bryant shoes for kids
longchamp sale
soccer jerseys
michael kors uk
ralph lauren uk
ray ban uk
tory burch shoes
tods shoes outlet
coach outlet store online
oakley sunglasses outlet
ray ban outlet
michael kors outlet
coach outlet online
michael kors
tory burch shoes
nba jerseys
michael kors outlet
tod's outlet
hollister clothing store
louis vuitton
oakley store
christian louboutin sale
kobe 8
chi hair strighteners
cheap nfl jerseys

Lin Shijun said...

shijun 6.29
lebron 12
adidas wings
louis vuitton
coach outlet
christian louboutin shoes
michael kors outlet
ray bans
louboutin
louis vuitton handbags
abercrombie
insanity dvd sale
www.louisvuitton.com
jordan 13 retro
fitflop outlet
burberry sale
coach factory outlet
soccer shoes
pandora rings
air jordan 13
toms promo code
louboutin
pandora rings
concord 11
polo ralph lauren outlet
michael kors outlet online sale
longchamp
chanel bags
michael kors outlet
longchamp handbags
jordan shoes
cheap oakleys
coach factory outlet online
air jordan 8
michael kors outlet online
gucci outlet online
michael kors handbags
jordan shoes
louis vuitton outlet
jordan 3 infrared
pandora bracelets

Qing Cai said...

boston celtics jersey
tods shoes
air max 90
tory burch outlet online
snapback hats
tiffany and co jewelry
oakley sunglasses, http://www.oakleysunglassescanada.com
cheap nfl jerseys
jordan shoes, http://www.jordan-shoes.us.com
calvin klein outlet
jordan 4
christian louboutin outlet
chelsea jersey
prada handbags
green bay packers jerseys
futbol baratas
nike huarache
kate spade outlet
salvatore ferragamo
mcm bags
replica watches
the north face outlet store
nike trainers
timberland boots
los angeles clippers jerseys
hollister uk
cheap jordans, http://www.jordan-shoes.us.com
hollister clothing
oakley sunglasses wholesale, http://www.oakleysunglasseswholesale.in.net
burberry outlet online, http://www.burberryoutletonlinestore.com.co
cai2015826

dong dong said...

201510.28dongdong
michael kors outlet
ugg outlet
celine bags
coach factory outlet
cheap ugg boots
coach factory outlet
canada goose
Michael Kors Designer Handbags Outlet Online
Designer Louis Vuitton Bags Discount
coach outlet online
Michael Kors Outlet Online Deals Huge
Coach Outlet Discount Clearance Coach Handbags
nike air max 90
coach outlet
louis vuitton
michael kors outlet
uggs outlet
Jordan 4 Shoes For Sale
louis vuitton outlet stores
Authentic Louis Vuitton Bags Discount
michael kors handbags
Abercrombie & Kent Luxury Travel
Canada Goose Outlet Online
michael kors handbags
Jordan 8 Phoenix Suns
fitflops sale clearance
Canada Goose Jackets/Coats And Parka Online
coach outlet
Coach Outlet Handbags With Factory Price
ugg boots sale
michael kors outlet
Outlet Michael Kors Handbags
true religion jeans
Gucci Outlet Store Locations
Louis Vuitton Outlet Free Shipping

千禧 Xu said...

kobe 9
cheap oakley sunglasses
fitflops
nike outlet
yeezy boost 350 white
instyler max
moncler outlet
cheap jordans
yeezy boost 350
oakley sunglasses

raybanoutlet001 said...

tiffany and co
ralph lauren outlet online
salomon boots
philadelphia eagles jerseys
michael kors handbags
louis vuitton pas cher
toms outlet
chicago bears jerseys
washington redskins jerseys
cheap oakley sunglasses

龙大猫 said...

fitflops sale clearance
fitflops
nike huarache
kobe basketball shoes
nike air zoom
cheap jordans
adidas ultra boost
michael kors handbags
nike zoom
lacoste outlet

gondes ribut said...

This is a very good article material and it is very useful for us all. thank you . cara menggugurkan kandungan