Monday, March 1, 2010

The Bachelor: The Finale

This is the day that I've been dreading for weeks. The finale.

That means I need to wait at least 3 more months for my next Chris Harrison fix.

Jake starts the show looking like a fem-bot in his tight pink shirt. I don't mind men in pink, but try pale pink-- not magenta. Jake's family is in St. Lucia, and they are sobbing like babies. Jake knows that his family is going to love Tenley, but he's desperate for them to love Vienna.

As Gia put it so delicately last week, Tenley shits rainbows. She goes on and on about how in love she is and how Jake's parents are incredible examples of true love. Tenley and Jake's mom move the cry fest outside and sob some more. I'm pretty sure she won Jake's father over-- so much so that I think that if they spent five more minutes together they were going to start knocking boots on the park bench.

I don't dislike Tenley, I just think she's too sugary sweet. The baby talk drives me nuts. That being said, Jake is a total goober and they probably are the best match.

I'm scared to see how Vienna acts. We're about to find out.... and it's not looking good. Vienna has difficulty getting along with the family. The whole situation is weird. Vienna is dodging questions, whereas Tenley was hugging and crying and loving on all of them. Vienna even told the family that she's real- Tenley is a robot. Uh-oh. After some time warming up to the family, she's starting to grow on them and in the end, they all approve.

Next, Vienna and Jake have some alone time. They go to a smelly sulfar creek (or something like that, I got distracted by my tangerine) and do some more dry humping under a waterfall. Seriously, these two don't stop. Bow Chicka Wow Wow. They go back to the hotel for some cheese and crackers (which is apparently code for gettin' it on). I wish they told us what time Jake left the hotel. It's either 4am or Vienna just took a Xanax cause the girl is talking like a zombie.

Tenley finds out that she's going snorkeling on her date and you'd think the girl won a trillion dollars in the lottery. Sorry, snorkeling with gross fish is not that exciting.


Moving on... they snorkel and then head back to the boat. Jake seems distracted. I'm glad I didn't marry a goober like Jake. If I was on that boat with my husband we'd be dancing and singing the "I'm on a Boat" song karaoke style (we did that in bed two nights ago, so it's only obvious that we'd do it while we're on an actual boat)-- instead of being lame and talking in baby voices about our emotional chemistry. Jake just asked Tenley if he thinks that they have physical chemistry. He said he feels the emotional chemistry but sometimes thinks that they lack that crazy, I'm in love with you heat. She says that she thinks that she feels it (with her hair in a ponytail one second and down the next-- damn this editing, I wanted to hear this conversation).

Next up, it's engagement time. Jake is pondering who he will chose overlooking the ocean. The girls are worried about who he's going to pick. When Jake is picking out the engagement ring, he admits that he still hasn't decided which girl he's going to choose. Come on man, get a grip. There is no way in hell that you love both of these girls the exact same amount-- and if you don't, don't pick either.

Both of the girls look gorgeous for the final rose ceremony and they arrive in style. Chris is out there waiting for the first girl...... and it's.........TENLEY. She walks up to him while her voice over explains how in love she is and how their new life will begin today. The conversation starts off very awkwardly-- he's easy to read and Tenley know what is coming. Jake is crying like a baby and he tells her that something just doesn't feel right between then. Tenley takes over and starts talking about how he taught her to love again blah blah... NO-- make Jake feel bad, make it awkward. I want to hear what he has to say. He got off too easy. He didn't even have to tell her why.

Poor Tenley-- but I have a feeling that she'll be okay. She kept a smile on her face the entire time (during the breakup) and she was able to get over ex husband in less than a year. She's going to be okay.

Next up.. his proposal to Vienna. She seems very nervous and she's shaking. Aww, the proposal is really sweet and it made me shed a tear. He smiled SO big, told her that he loves her and asked for her hand. It was pretty cute-- here's hoping that these two last.


Shaina said...

Hahaha...this is the best recap I've read. Too funny! I thought the whole thing sucked. I don't like Vienna but they definitely had the chemistry...did he just propose because he wanted to f&%# her? Oh wait ... pretty sure they've already done that. A few times!!!

I'm still holding out that he'll dump Vienna and go back to Ali...? Please?

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