Thursday, March 22, 2012

Back to Work

I've been back to work for a week and a day now. 
I'm happy to report that although I was absolutely certain that I would die from the pain of leaving my child, I'm alive and kicking and it's actually not as terrible as I was anticipating. 
I smile at least 50 times per work day and it's actually kind of nice to utilize that section of my brain that laid pretty dormant (if i'm being honest) for 18 weeks.  That being said, I still cry every single morning when I leave him and I do miss him like crazy.  I'm currently straddling a fine line in my life right now---  One where I feel so proud of myself that I'm managing it all okay and when I feel really good about how things are going and one where I just want to throw in the towel, actually consider scourging the internet trying to find out how I can qualify for food stamps and pick my baby up from daycare.
I have a feeling that I'll feel this way for the rest of time. I guess it's just part of being a mom. 

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Grayson: 4 Months

Dearest Grayson,

.... and just like that, I have a four month old!

If feels like we've known you forever, and like you just arrived yesterday. It's funny how time works. If I had a choice, I'd slow things down. Way down. I already miss my tiny, squishy little newborn. That being said, the baby boy that has replaced that teeny newborn, seriously makes my whole world.

The jump between 3 months and 4 months is OUT OF THIS WORLD. It seems as though everyday you learn something new and daddy and I just marvel in your brilliance.

You love slow dancing in my arms, listening to music, and dancing on our laps. When we enter the room you beam at us from ear to ear (that seriously makes my whole life) and coo. Your eyes sparkle and your entire face lights up. Your joy is infectious. Your face is so expressive and you have the bluest eyes and the most amazing eye brows. Your expressions speak loudly, even when you can't yet. You love saying mamamamamamamama over and over again. You are the most gorgeous baby that I've ever seen and it brings me so much happiness to see the look of determination on your face as you learn something new.

This month you've found your voice, you've found your toes, you've rolled over, you've attempted to sit up, and as of tonight, you've tried rice cereal (it didn't go well.. we'll probably wait until you are five months to try again). You've also grown.. 2 inches to be exact! You know weigh 14 lbs, 8 ounces and you are 25 inches long. You are still wearing most of your 0-3 clothing, but you also wear 3-6 month clothing as well.

You are so fun, Grayson. You hold your head up well now so it's so much easier to go out and about with you. You are a hit everywhere we go. I've been blessed to stay home with you for all four months so our days consist of lots of walks, books, play time and cuddling. I go back to work this month and I'm so sad about leaving you. I have never been happier in my entire life than I am cuddled up with you in my arms. Leaving you is going to be a huge adjustment. For one, you haven't left my side for more than an hour in 13 months (if you count when I was growing you). For 13 months, your entire being has survived on me and me alone (Grayson is breast fed exclusively) I worry that going back to work will effect my milk supply. I'm not anti formula, but for me, breast feeding is probably one of the most rewarding things that I've done in my entire life. It's totally cheesy, but I get such joy out of knowing that I am responsible for you growing 2 inches this month. I know that I'll pump at work, but I will so miss nursing my baby boy each and everyday. I hope this goes better than I'm picturing it in my head and I hope that you'll actually take a bottle at daycare. We've only practiced like twice. Oops.

You love playing with your toys now and you can reach out and grasp each one. You love Sophie, your rattles, and your baby Einstein ball. You hate riding in the car and scream almost every time.. that part is NOT fun.

We still swaddle you at night, but we are slowly weaning you from that with the one arm method. Your sleep habits have changed a bit and you continue to get up at least once a night to nurse. You aren't sleeping 9.5 hours in a row like you were when you were three months old, but I've heard that it's common for 4 month olds to regress. You generally fall asleep around 8:30 and sleep until 7am with 1-2 nursing sessions in between. You still sleep in our room and I have no desire to move you out until you are 10. Okay, not really, but I'm definitely not moving you until you can roll forwards and backwards consistently. We did graduate you from the rock n play to the pack n play, though. That was a big night for me, but you didn't even notice the difference.

This picture is titled, Mommy is too busy to learn her camera settings and I move too quickly. Anyone have a camera for dummies recommendation for me?
Your nicknames continue to evolve and the favorites this month were, Gray Gray, G, Graby, Bubba, Boo Bear and Boo Boo. Regardless of what we call you, our entire world revolves around you and we wouldn't want it ANY other way. It amazes me that I ever lived before you. Life after your sweet face is better than anything that I EVER could have dreamed of.

The best part about having a four month old is the fact that you now recognize me and it becomes more evident each and every day that you love us too.

We love you Grayson Patrick,


Sidenote: I support ANY WAY that a woman chooses to feed her child. However, if anyone ever wants to talk/needs support with breastfeeding, please reach out. I've been to all the support groups, read all of the books and have taken 3 breastfeeding classes at my local hospital/la leche league. I am/was super lucky to have had an easy breastfeeding experience with Grayson, but I'm happy to share any support and resources with anyone that wants them, as I've become a mini expert on the topic.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Working Mama

I haven't been great about keeping up with my blog, but I will be back soon.

I've spent the last 17 weeks soaking up every last bit of my baby boy. Truth be told, I probably haven't turned on or sat at my computer more than 15 times since November 10th (I have used my iPhone- I'm not Amish people). I'm not going to lie, it was kinda nice.

I go back to work next week and I'm anxious, devastated, hurting, and scared about it. Everyone told me that I'd be so ready to go back-- but I'm not.

Unfortunately, money talks and the choice isn't mine.

Devastated is the understatement of the century. I cannot picture myself walking in there next Wednesday and quite honestly, the only thing I can picture is myself collapsing over the weight of it all.

I know most of my bloggy friends are stay at home moms. If any of you working mamas have any advice I'd love to hear it.

It's going to take every ounce of strength left in me to say goodbye to my little doll each day, but it won't kill me, will it?